Life as I know it

 This blog started as a way for me to combine my two passions - mental health and manuscripts - but it slowly developed more into a writing advice column. Don't get me wrong, I love writing about writing, but lately, I haven't been writing about anything outside of sports and community events. I can't get my personal projects to flow. The characters are 2D and there are only so many ways to describe a forest. I'm going, to be honest, I shifted my focus this year. My writing is catered towards the midwestern lifestyle, despite still having fantasy elements, and my life is catered towards my personal wants. 

I've spent too much of my life trying to please others. 2023 has been a villain era for me, where I've stepped into the narrative and have been making conscious decisions based on my own desires. What I want is to be out of debt. What I want is to be a good daughter who can help my parents as their medical issues are starting to become a big hindrance in their lives. What I want is to be a person who my siblings, nieces, and nephews will still come visit when I'm old and grey. I've been told several times that I'm not someone my family would hang out with if I wasn't family. My siblings have called me a "bitch" and have fully meant it. And, yeah, I can be one. We all can. But in my 30s I'm starting to realize that I don't really care if I'm one or not. What I care about is that I'm happy. 

Life is flitting. I've watched loved ones die in the past and sometimes I fear I'm watching one die now. I dare not speak the dreams I've had about their death aloud, for when I was young my dreams had somewhat of a prophetic nature to them. And, since I've gone on a journey to reopen my third eye, I find dreaming to be terrifying...especially when the dreams repeat themselves. 

Needless to say, I've been stuck in my head lately, trying to find out what I want from life. I've consulted with every power I believe in. I've prayed, I've used a pendulum and tried to read my own cards. Everything keeps coming back to the same thing.

I pray to Yahweh and I get this feeling in my gut that I'm not supposed to be dwelling on the present but the future. 

I pull out my pendulum and go through the motions. The crystal swirls and sways answering questions and then giving me an answer I know in my heart is wrong. So I ask the dang thing, "Are you fucking with me?" and it says yes. Just great. 

I pull out my tarot cards. I don't know how to read these. I just think they're pretty and I've been told that reading them is all about symbolism. I love symbolism. So, I think about life and pull three cards. I got two wands and the hierophant. Basically, they tell me that I'm going through a time of change, I need to persevere, and that my faith will be what brings me through it all.

Literally, everything is telling me to fall back on my belief system and just trust that things will work out in the present while I focus on the future. It's hard though to focus on the future when I'm worried that someone I love may die next week. And of course, I can't really talk about this aloud because I get eye rolls or scoffs. 

I watched someone die before, though. I watched as a happy, playful man was reduced to a sagging corpse and angry words. And I fear it's happening again. What can I do? What can I say?

I fall back on my roots. I meditate and pray. I clean the house and control the environment I'm in because it's the only thing I can control at the moment. Everyone else keeps acting like they haven't noticed the changes or that there's no risk coming next week, but pretending it doesn't exist doesn't make it any less real. 

Oh god, I swear this isn't what this post was supposed to be about. I'm sitting at a desk, waiting for a final proof of a newspaper, trying to keep my head on my shoulders, and rambling. I apologize. My brain has been so foggy lately. 

Brain fog comes with the territory. Both anxiety and depression cause it and I have both. Usually, my depression is triggered by my anxiety. But sometimes it gets overruled by what I call my 'override switch'. Basically, my family is my override switch. 

I've been in my head. I've been avoiding sleep, getting maybe four hours a night, and taking naps during the day...because I'm less likely to dream if I interrupt my sleeping pattern with naps and alarms. During a moment of clarity last week, I noticed how bad my living quarters had gotten. So, since I couldn't control anything else I set out to control that space. I spent my entire Labor Day weekend break cleaning my space. And I mean cleaning. Like full-on scrubbing the floors, washing everything (Whether it was dirty or not), changing out the cat litter, washing cat toys, saging the air, rearranging...it got the works and, as a bonus, I was so dead tired that I sleep dreamlessly for a full eight hours last night.

I have so much pressure on me right now, but I can't express it with my voice, so I guess my fingers have decided to do the talking for me. I'm not in such a bad place that I want to jerk the steering wheel to the left, but my goodness do I wish I could just run away and live in a tiny cottage in the forest for the rest of my existence.

My responsibilities are weighing on me, finances are weighing on me, my health is weighing on me, the health of my family is weighing on me, the health of my cats is weighing on me, my car's issues are weighing on me, the fact that I keep forgetting things and can't seem to please anyone when I'm trying so hard to do so is weighing on me. 

I cried for almost a half hour because of an email today. It was a simple message and though it had a corrective tone it wasn't accusatory. I just forgot something and need to remember it in the future...But I forgot it...like I forgot about that bill last week and I forgot that there are 3 litter boxes instead of only 1...and I forgot to file my taxes...and I forgot to call Medicaid for nearly a month until the clinic reminded me...and I forgot to schedule Spook's rabid's shot update...again. 

But you know what? I forgot all that...but I didn't forget to go on a walk, or to stop and admire how sunlight looks through a leaf. I didn't forget to order The Little Mermaid so I could have 2 hours with my dad without him getting angry because he was in pain and no one could keep up with life right now. So, yeah, I'm forgetting things, but there are a ton more things I'm remembering to do that are just as important if not more so. 

Right now I have 5 jobs. I come home and the cats want to play because they haven't seen me all day and are used to having my attention. The table needs to be kept clean because the teenagers and children are, well, teenagers and children. They leave things out and sometimes it's just easier to clean it myself than try to ask for help. The counters need to be cleaned but I don't even know who the items on it belong to. And, yes, I live with my parents but my dad is in massive pain, waiting for a back surgery, and my mom comes home exhausted. They're in their 50s. They can't do everything, which means I've been trying to pick up the slack...but with 6 people, 2 dogs, 3 cats, 2 turtles, and 2 fish tanks in the house it's hard to keep up.

My brother's been on my case to finish a video game because he wants to talk about the ending with me and I'm close to finishing it, but all I've wanted to play lately is my comfort game...The Sims 4. That's all I want. I want to sit in front of my TV from 7-11 playing my legacy on Sims 4, because yes there is death and dishes, sickness and burnouts, pets and toddlers, and everything else in life that can get overwhelming but the characters are fake. Right now, my biggest worry in the game is getting the werewolves to stop eating the sofa. I like that problem a lot more than trying to figure out how I'm going to help babysit, clean, work on my personal projects, and get my full-time job done all in the span of a week. There seriously aren't enough hours in the day.

Okay, so this post has not gone the way I thought it would, and maybe I should just delete it. But I honestly feel a lot lighter after having unloaded all of that to you. My brain feels a little less fussy. The world feels a little more clear. And yes, I'm still irritated that God, the crystal, and the cards are all telling me to wait and rely on Him, but it's been nice to just talk without the fear of being a burden. I don't like waiting. My anxiety tells me to act now, not wait.  

I know on average there are 3 people who visit this blog, with the exception of author spotlights...which generate a lot more views. And out of those 3 people, I don't think any of them will judge me for this. Two of them are just complete sweethearts and 1 of them is in this situation with me. So, yeah...I guess that's my life right now...I can promise you I'll try better. I can promise you that I'll get caught up on spotlights. But, in all honesty, all I'm focusing on is making it through the next 24 hours...and the next...and the next...and the next...until at least the 11th is over and I can rest a little easier knowing someone isn't dead.